Blog Writing

I write almost every day, which is not something you can tell by this blog so far. I’ve written four posts in the past year since I started it, and I certainly didn’t advertise them. This is actually the fourth blog I’ve tried to start in the past seven years, since I decided to be a blogger. But they all seem to fizzle, leaving me less confident and far less hopeful in my dream of having a fulfilling space in which to share. 

It’s not for lack of writing, that’s for sure. I write constantly… on post it notes, scraps of paper, the margins of my books, in my journal and day planner, and in the notes on my phone. There are currently 136 of them in there, including this one.

I write when I feel compelled to write; when the sentences that arise in my head start piling up and spilling over and demand to be given a physical form. I write when words come through so clearly and feel so authentically me, it’s as if by not writing them down I risk losing a little piece of myself.

It happens all the time. Words start flowing from my subconscious and wake me up in the middle of the night. It happens as I drive to work and start dictating on my phone. I write emails to myself in the middle of the day when a thought grabs my attention. My inspirations and story ideas are floating all over the place. They’re just not written on my blog, where someone might actually like, read them. 

So, what’s the problem? Take your pick: perfectionism, fear of judgement, comparison, over-thinking, self-doubt, procrastination, inner-resistance… all kinds of self-inflicted blocks. But the desire for a blog remains, because from somewhere deep inside a little voice keeps saying, I want to be a writer. And that requires writing things for people to read. Or at least, creating an opportunity for it. It’s time to give it another shot. After all…

Perfectionism is just fear in fancy shoes and a mink coat. – Elizabeth Gilbert, Big Magic

And so, below is an example of something I wrote to myself recently. I’m putting it out there to take a step in showing the universe I’m for real.

October 1, 2019:

What do I want? What do I really want? And am I ready, willing and able to do whatever it takes to have it? I’ve been preparing for a long time. For what, I haven’t been sure, but I’ve known deep down in my soul that there is a path out there waiting for me to find it.

I first caught a glimpse of it years ago when I was in the midst of suffering, and that single glimpse was enough to shake me awake. I’ve taken so many side trips since then; so many detours to get where I’m going, to learn my lessons, to heal myself, to find my truths. I am whole and I’ve overcome the biggest barrier to my freedom: learning what it means to love and take care of myself. I’m not afraid of change or pain or the unknown. I’ve faced them, and each one has brought gifts in to my life and left me with unshakeable faith in the Universe’s love and guidance. I know there is nothing to fear, and I know I am never alone. In that, I can always find peace.

From the moment I first discovered it, I have been on a journey inside my soul. The beginning was about bringing it back to life after years of neglect. Then it was about exploration, following its curiosity and learning its capacity; letting it stretch and reach and search. Now, my soul is well. It moves in harmony with my heart. And it is ready to finally begin its work; to fulfill its true purpose. I’ve been standing in the way, something I’ve known all along. But I can no longer be intimidated or turn away.

When the personality comes fully to serve the energy of its soul, that is authentic empowerment. – Gary Zukav, The Seat of the Soul

I suppose that’s what I want, ultimately. To be in touch with my soul, to know I am working toward my purpose, to free myself from fear that keeps me blocked. I want to use my writing to share what I’ve learned. I’ve been given the gift of my story for the purpose of sharing it. It has healed me, and it can heal others. It’s my way of contributing more love, more joy and consciousness. But more than anything, it expands my heart to write, to reflect, to meditate on what my inner self knows. My only job is to give it a voice.