Backpacking as a Couple

The other morning, I was researching things to do near our Colombian beach town when I came across a travel blog with an interesting topic. It was a survival guide for backpacking as a couple, and it stopped me dead in my tracks. Engrossed, I spent the next few hours reading every post and article I could find on the subject, all written by traveling couples sharing the same message: it can either make you or break you. Waves of validation washed over me as I sat there soaking in other people’s experiences. I was so relieved, I jumped up to find Charlie shouting, “we’re okay, we’re okay!” as I gave him a huge bear hug. “Of course we’re okay,” he said, thinking I’d gone nuts. But after telling him about my research, I could tell he was a little relieved too.

I know it seems obvious – that traveling for five months with uninterrupted time together would be challenging. But I went in to this the same way I try to approach anything new – without expectations. I don’t think you can really know how something will be until you’re in it. Of course I had some notions of sunset beach walks and cozy fire places with wine – I am a romantic after all, a scorpio no less. But after two and half months of traveling with my partner, I can safely say that the backpacking lifestyle is not vacation; a reality I’ve been faced with on more than one occasion.

Now, before you worry about Charlie and me, I can assure you we’re fine. We’re great actually. I’ve been convinced by multiple sources that our epic blowup in the Lima airport over the best place to get coffee – and the silent three-hour flight that followed – was only natural after spending three days cramped on a bus. I also believe our recurring battles over the proper ripeness of bananas, the frequency of cookies and diet cokes, and whose turn it is to boil drinking water are totally normal given our circumstances. Backpacking is fun, but constantly adapting to change is exhausting and everything feels exaggerated when you’re tired – especially the little things. Recognizing that makes letting them go a lot easier.

But what about the not so little things? Those come up too. Issues that might normally slide under the radar at home bubble up to the surface much faster when you’re always together, sharing every detail and decision in tight quarters. I’ve said from the beginning, this trip with Charlie feels like being held under a microscope with nowhere to hide. He has a front row seat for every moment and passing mood. All angles of our personalities are in full view of the other and often under stress, which isn’t known to bring out anyone’s pretty side. Backpacking puts it all out there and conflict is unavoidable – it’s how we respond and recover that really matters. That’s where the real make it or break it tests lie.

Charlie and I endured one of these tests one month in to our trip – the night before we left Lima. We made plans with our neighbor friend to go out for a drink to cap off our first month in Peru. Charlie was reluctant but agreed to go on the condition we’d come home early – he wanted to be rested for our flight the next morning. I was eager to socialize and celebrate, and our different pages led to disaster. After the first drink, when we should have gone home, I suggested taking our new friend to our favorite spot for one more, which turned in to two more and getting home later and tipsier than planned. Charlie was furious with me. I could feel the fumes radiating from his body as he tossed and turned for several sleepless hours. I knew the only way out of our misery was to have it out, leading to the first real fight we’d ever had. Fortunately, it revealed underlying feelings and beliefs we’d both been carrying but not sharing. I’d crossed one of Charlie’s biggest boundaries – one I hadn’t fully realized was there in our normal Denver routine – and one I won’t be crossing again.

We’ve learned more about ourselves individually too. There’s nothing like backpacking to bring out weird quirks. For example, I’ve had to accept my OCD tendencies with food sharing. Portions between us have to be exact and I go to great lengths to make them so – even if I end up giving Charlie my leftovers later, which usually happens. Luckily, he’s learned to tolerate my crazy and wait it out. I’ve learned to tolerate Charlie’s need to visit every ATM within a 5 mile radius to find the lowest fee, and his strong feelings over what things should cost in the local currency. For example, on the Machu Picchu trek, the only place to buy water on the trail was a shack charging 12 soles a bottle. Charlie felt the fair price was 8 soles, a difference of about $1, so he refused to buy it. This trip continually brings out traits we may never understand about the other, but we’ve learned to laugh and stop trying.

One of my biggest hopes for this adventure was that it would bring us closer and make us stronger. As my dear friend, Tammy, wisely said, “If you can make it through this, you can make it through anything.” I take great comfort in that because I know it’s true, and I know we’ll make it. At the half-way point of our trip, it feels like we’ve hit our stride, but we have had to figure out a few things.

If I could go back and give myself some advice before this journey began, it would be the following:

Don’t take it personally when your partner needs time apart – and be proactive about scheduling it. Even if it’s reading at a coffee shop for 30 minutes or a walk around the block – let your partner miss you a little.

Date night is still important. Just because you’re always together, doesn’t mean you’re connecting. It’s easy to get too comfortable when you’re backpacking. Fix your hair, hold hands and go to a nicer restaurant sometimes.

Give yourself a break. Travel life is not normal life. It’s impossible to maintain your normal workout routine and vegetable intake – especially when you have to use bottled or boiled water to wash lettuce for salads. Just do the best you can, and let that be good enough.

Communicate frequently with friends and family. When you only have each other to talk to for days at a time – especially in a foreign country where you don’t speak the language – outside influence is healthy and necessary.

Let the little arguments go – they don’t mean your relationship is ending. This one’s been tough for me, because Charlie and I never really argued before. But we’ve also never been under these circumstances before. We’ve seen each other at our worst, most tired and hangry moments – but when he still thinks I’m cute and his smile still melts me, I know we’re doing just fine.